Pet Scan

 Waiting is one of the hardest parts.  The unknown and the thought that tomorrow at this time my life changes, again, whether it's good news or bad. I don't even know how many times I've been in this room waiting for a scan.  Must be 20+.  This one is different.  Unfortunately, I'm quickly running out of options.

5 years ago, I was about to celebrate my 10 year remission from breast cancer when I found a lump.  A scan quickly showed that it was, indeed, cancer again.  The first cancer in 2009 was easy peasy, contained and a simple mastectomy took the problem away.  No chemo or radiation (whew).   Not to minimalize any cancer diagnosis but in the grand scheme of my life it was the easiest part.  

Life went back to normal. Except that cancer loomed and was always in the back of my mind.  I really dislike the word, "normal".  Even worse, is "new normal".  So many commercials, particularly, for cancer drugs, use that term.  Once you go through something life changing you never feel normal again and I never want what I feel like today to be my "new normal".  I make the best of the situation but this is certainly not a normal life.  While I'm on the soapbox I will go on about those cancer commercials.  Everyone has seen them.  Grandma at the beach with her grandkids, celebrating birthdays, being relentless.  The reality is that the side effects are extensive, diarrhea being at the top.  I think that when I received my first 3 month dose along with a 3 month dose of immodium, I should have known I was in trouble.   Going to the beach??  I was afraid of going to the mailbox!

The second diagnosis was a bit harder.  They attempted to shrink the tumor with a weekly IV cocktail called "The Red Devil".  True to its name.  I lost my hair, and was nauseated for a few days each week.  The worst part of that was watching this red poison going into my body drip by drip.  A scan showed that the tumor was not responding so I stopped and started radiation and then after recovery another mastectomy.  Biopsy showed stage 3 but just a few months later, the pet scan showed stage 4 metastatic and was in my lungs, bones and liver. Get on the roller coaster and hold on! Almost 4 years and 5 different treatments later leaves me here again, in this familiar place, waiting to see how this chapter goes.